Happy Birthday Dad!

My Dad would have turned 79 today. I decided to celebrate with an ultimate chocolate cake from Wegmans...which is a family favorite. We sang Happy Birthday and it was a sweet, touching moment.
I've been feeling pretty good the past week. When I think of the things we've faced, I am amazed that I am not in bed with the blinds closed refusing to get up. I have a strong testimony that Heavenly Father is carrying me at this time. It reminds me of that poem called footprints and it makes my heart smile. I am extremely grateful for all of our friends and family, especially my darling husband and boys. I feel very blessed. I've been asking for a few years for ways to build my testimony and know that the gospel is true...well, be careful what you wish for. I have no doubt in my mind now.
It's been just over 2 months since we found out about Gavin and I feel like it's been 10 years. I am living in the moment, enjoying every minute and concentrating on being happy. It is working!
Thinking of my Dad today...he is missed, but I feel him near. Happy Birthday Dad! I love and miss you tons! xoxo

Dear Dad

Dad,

I miss you and love you so much already! I hope you are smiling down from Heaven with all of your brothers, sisters and parents. I went to visit you today at the funeral home and you looked at peace, but not yourself. I put a picture of our family in with you, I hope it keeps you company in your resting place.

God be with you til we meet again.

Love, your daughter
Conni

Day Seven

I've had almost a whole week with Dad now. It seems like it's been forever and it also seems like it's been an hour. My life has changed so much since last Monday. We hear everyone always talk about time...manage your time, save time, give time...and it always runs out eventually.
I'm trying to psych myself up for this ending. He will be in a better place, he will be happier, he will be made whole again and the burden for those around him will be lifted, but I am still deeply sad. I love him so dearly and selfishly I don't want him to leave me behind. I don't want anyone leaving me behind, that is probably why I feel the need to keep in contact with everyone I remotely knew in my past, which also isn't possible.
He slept in today until Brian came around 11AM. Brian gave him a bed bath and washed his hair. He hasn't had a bowel movement since last Tuesday so they took him to sit on the toilet for a bit to see if that would help, no go. We did get his bedding changed while he was up and it was nice to see him out of the bed. You'd never know that he could basically move himself about 3 weeks ago. He has a terrible, terrible bed sore on his bottom, Nat made me leave the room so I didn't cry. He can't feel it so we didn't know it was so bad so now we are moving him from side to side every 4-5 hours. His face is sunken in quite a bit and he sleeps a lot now.
Tami said that we should probably stop giving him the array of pills because it is getting hard for him to swallow. She also upd the dosage on his Morphine and Lorazepam to .25cc every 2 hours. It makes him so sleepy, but he is not struggling for breathe anymore. I feel so guilty for basically druging him, but he is comfortable and that is all that matters now. He is in and out and will talk every now and again. His oxygen levels are down and he has pnemonia with his right lung very full. She said that if this keeps up he should be gone in 3-5 days. He only ate once for dinner (mashed potatoes/gravy, a couple bites of salmon and graham crackers with milk).
I am scared and sad. I miss Karl, CJay and Conner and wish they were here. My Mom came again today and we worked on getting my genealogy started up again. Nat is a pro so I might as well take advantage of it while I'm here.
I need to get some Nat King Cole CD's when I get home. My Dad has been listening to them non-stop all day and they will remind me of him, plus they are awesome! I have the night shift tonight and I need to get up in an hour to give him medication so I'd better get to bed.

Day Five

We all slept in a little this morning, including Dad. He's been sleeping a lot because of the Morphine, which is helping with the congestion. He didn't eat very much today and it's getting harder for him to take his pills. He finally admitted to me that it is hard for him to breathe. It breaks my heart because I don't want him to hurt. I talked with him again today about letting go and how I will get through it.
A Hospice CNA came today named Daniel. He was not my favorite. You can really tell by the way people handle or leave things how they cared for them. Dad was left laying in what looked like an uncomfortable position. His shirt was changed though and he is now wearing one of mine that says "Outer Banks".
I did some more short taping today. He told me he loved me and I told him as well. My Mom came down from Logan today and is spending the night at Nat's. It is the first time in a very long time that my parents and I have been under the same roof together. It is another small gift that means a lot to me. I mentioned to him that she was here and he asked to see her. She had told me earlier that she didn't want to see him this way, but she was kind enough to be a good sport and say hello. It was an undescribable moment and one I hope I never forget.
I went to Marie Callendars tonight to get my Dad food from his favorite restaurants. He asked for Salmon with mashed potatoes and gravy and potato salad. I brought it back and he wasn't very hungry, he only ate two bites of the Salmon and told me to put it in the fridge for tomorrow night.
This whole process is a waiting game. In some ways I don't want to know how much time we have left and at other times I do, just so I'm not surprised. I am learning a lot and I never knew there was an actual process. This will be the first death that is really close to me. I had an uncle die 7 years ago to the day. Even that was a hard loss for me and we weren't that close. I am quite afraid of death, that probably means it isn't my time. Dad still says he isn't ready to die and that he has work that still needs to be done here. Wow, it just breaks my heart! I am relying on Heavenly Father to get me through this. I will be a mess when the actual time comes. I will miss my Dad, even with all the crazy he is. I love him with all my heart and soul.

Day Four

I woke up in the middle of the night a couple of times to check on Dad. He was sitting straight up in bed and had fallen over both times to the side. We'd straighten him up and thankfully he was sleeping well. I was so scared from yesterday and Tami had told us that we could give him a shot of Morphine and Larazepam to clear up his lungs...but the symptoms would return. He woke up this morning late and he was breathing fine with no coughing. It was a huge relief to me.
We gave him his pills and breakfast, which he didn't eat a lot of. Then left him to rest some more.
I went up to take a shower in Nat's amazing steam shower...it was awesome! We then gave Gavin a bath in Nat's jet tub, which he is totally scared of and probably won't get in again.
My childhood best friend, Traci Boulter came over to visit with her little girl, Allison. It was so good to see her and talk for a bit. Gavin had a great time playing with her. While she was here Tami dropped in, then the phychologist Alan and Brian stopped by as Traci was leaving. We even had a visit from the Hospice chaplin. He was really nice and turned out to be Mormon, not a surprise here.
Dad's congestion got bad again towards the end of the day. I wonder if the good times are a little gift and if the tough times are preparing me for the end. It is so rough and I am still very emotional.
Dad slept a lot of the day and his eating slowed down quite a bit. We gave him some dinner around 7:30 and his handful of pills by 8PM. He went to sleep shortly after and his breathing is still labored. I've been trying to tell him to let go and that it will be okay. We talked some about the things he wants me to have. It was nice to just sit and talk. I am savoring every minute with him.

Day Three

We all slept well last night. We stayed up late and kept Dad up late too. He seems really tired today, I don't know if that is from the Ambien or not. Nat fixed and fed him breakfast. I worked on the family finances for a few hours while the cleaning ladies were here. I just love modern technology! Karl set us up to be able to get into our home computers remotely. He is SO smart and I love it!
Brian came again today and gave him a sponge bath. Dad is so thin. He is mostly skin and bones and his feet have lost the pink color because of his paralysis. We've also noticed that almost overnight he has gotten a really bad cough with a lot of phlem. He is very weak. When he is laying all the way down he has a hard time breathing. I don't think I will let him lay down anymore all the way. It's like he is a different person than he was yesterday, so crazy. Yesterday I had hope, today it is quickly vanishing. Tami said that this is all part of the process.
He has great oxygen levels, but his blood pressure is low. We think he is getting or already has pneumonia and I can't believe it's come on so quickly. Tami said it is a blessing if he gets it and ultimately dies from it. The cancer that he has, I've heard, is one of the most painful to have and right now it probably isn't bothering him, also because of his paralysis. It will in the near future though.
I've decided to stay in his room for the most part from now on. I took some pictures yesterday and today I am doing a little video taping. It might seem morbid, but I am clinging to anything and everything I have left.
It didn't take long for Dad to pretty much kick me out of his room. The fluid in his lungs is so bad now that he has to be practically sitting upright to breathe okay. His breath is labored and I finally lost it. I told him that it was okay to go if he wanted to. He told me that he doesn't want to leave me. I was bawling, laying by his side and he kept telling me not to cry as he too was crying. He finally told me to, "Take Gavin and go to bed, please!" I couldn't help the crying, this is the most horrible thing I've ever been through. He is even harder to understand now because of the rattling of his lungs. Nat said they will eventually fill up and he will essentially drown to death. It just sounds horrible. I am so tired, but I am afraid to go to sleep for fear he will slip away by himself, alone.
Boy this is depressing reading...sorry!

Day Two

I can't believe I've been here for 2 days already. Taking care of Dad's needs is a full time job. The hospice assistant came. His name is Brian Maddox, is very nice and I found out that we have a connection...small world. He is the son of one of my favorite teachers at West Lake, Mr. Maddox. He takes care of the stuff we can't, showers/baths, changing his catheter and moving him if needed. He really cares for his patients and that means a lot to me. The RN Tami is totally nice too and I can tell she really cares for Dad too.
Have I mentioned how wonderful it is to be at Nat's house. I stopped by the nursing home he was at for a few weeks and it was very depressing. They are always short staffed and they probably can't help the fact that they give lack-luster care to their patients. I had to pick up a bag of his medicines, he is on like 10, and they didn't even ID me or ask who I was. They just handed them over, good thing I'm an honest person.
We washed his face today with a wash cloth. He tends to get really greasy so I also cleaned out his ears. Even in his dying days he has beautiful long white hair...a full head. I will probably take a lock of it when he's gone.
He ate and drank like a champion today. Everyone keeps saying that this was his best day in weeks. Nat kept joking that it was because I was here. I am so glad that I made it here and have gotten to spend some time with him.
Randy and his wife stopped by tonight to discuss medication and we talked about all kinds of stuff. It's the first time I've met his wife and they have been married for over 2 years. He brought the few physical belonging that Dad has to his name. The most precious to me is a portrait he painted of David O. Mckay. Dad wants me to have almost everything he has left, including grandma Jacobs' wedding ring. It means a lot to me because Dad has been wearing it for years. I am kind of sentimental about those things.
We gave Dad his pills tonight and remembered his Ambien this time. I hope he sleeps better tonight. We've been trying to roll him on his side a couple times a day to help prevent bed sores. I've been told he has one from them sliding him up and down in bed at the nursing home instead of lifting him up. Right now he says he isn't in any pain and isn't on any medication for pain. He is very easy and doesn't complain or ask for much of anything. The RN says he is a sweet heart, I seem to think the same thing.

The Last Days

I've decided to blog about my time in Salt Lake with my Dad. It is great therapy and I want to remember every detail of it. I will start tomorrow, because I've almost been up for 24 hours and I am REALLY tired!