Day Five

We all slept in a little this morning, including Dad. He's been sleeping a lot because of the Morphine, which is helping with the congestion. He didn't eat very much today and it's getting harder for him to take his pills. He finally admitted to me that it is hard for him to breathe. It breaks my heart because I don't want him to hurt. I talked with him again today about letting go and how I will get through it.
A Hospice CNA came today named Daniel. He was not my favorite. You can really tell by the way people handle or leave things how they cared for them. Dad was left laying in what looked like an uncomfortable position. His shirt was changed though and he is now wearing one of mine that says "Outer Banks".
I did some more short taping today. He told me he loved me and I told him as well. My Mom came down from Logan today and is spending the night at Nat's. It is the first time in a very long time that my parents and I have been under the same roof together. It is another small gift that means a lot to me. I mentioned to him that she was here and he asked to see her. She had told me earlier that she didn't want to see him this way, but she was kind enough to be a good sport and say hello. It was an undescribable moment and one I hope I never forget.
I went to Marie Callendars tonight to get my Dad food from his favorite restaurants. He asked for Salmon with mashed potatoes and gravy and potato salad. I brought it back and he wasn't very hungry, he only ate two bites of the Salmon and told me to put it in the fridge for tomorrow night.
This whole process is a waiting game. In some ways I don't want to know how much time we have left and at other times I do, just so I'm not surprised. I am learning a lot and I never knew there was an actual process. This will be the first death that is really close to me. I had an uncle die 7 years ago to the day. Even that was a hard loss for me and we weren't that close. I am quite afraid of death, that probably means it isn't my time. Dad still says he isn't ready to die and that he has work that still needs to be done here. Wow, it just breaks my heart! I am relying on Heavenly Father to get me through this. I will be a mess when the actual time comes. I will miss my Dad, even with all the crazy he is. I love him with all my heart and soul.