Thursday, December 16, 2010

Happy, Happy. Joy, Joy

So I thought it's time to bust a smile or something and stop writing about sad stuff. It's Christmas and one of the best times of the year, right?
We hope everyone is enjoying the season so far and that the Christmas spirit is lighting up your cute little faces!
We have awesome families, great kids and many blessings!

Dear Dad

Dad,

I miss you and love you so much already! I hope you are smiling down from Heaven with all of your brothers, sisters and parents. I went to visit you today at the funeral home and you looked at peace, but not yourself. I put a picture of our family in with you, I hope it keeps you company in your resting place.

God be with you til we meet again.

Love, your daughter
Conni

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Final Day

It is 6:12AM GMT and I can't sleep. I am totally tired from the lack of sleep the past two days. Dad passed away last night at 9:42PM GMT, this is how I remember his last day on earth.
Shortly after my last post I woke up at 2AM to give him his medication. I woke again at 4AM, but I decided to not get up when the 6AM alarm sounded...I was just too tired. He wasn't too aware of me coming in, but he seemed to sleep well. His breathing was good again tonight and we wanted to keep up with the medication.
Nat got up with him at 8AM, gave him his medication and started getting him ready for some visitors. His older sister, Bula's kids were coming for a visit and we thought they would arrive between 8-9AM. Nat brushed his teeth and combed his hair and the commotion woke me up so I decided to just get up. Gavin and Zoe had woken up also, so it was a good time even though I was tired.
We waited and had our usual morning rituals of breakfast and cartoons. Dad sounded great and was anxiously awaiting his visitors. He had a long time to wait since they didn't arrive until almost the afternoon. I had been helping Nat with her Christmas cards and we checked on Dad and gave him his medicine every 2 hours. Brian arrived and Gavin was happy to see him. We have grown to love him in the last week and he was so good with Dad.
Dad had told me that he was a little hungry so I warmed up some of the mashed potatoes we still had from Marie Calendar's. I came back in with the food and Brian was tending to Dad (giving him his last shave). Then Duane, his wife and his sister Pat arrived. They are lovely people and it was a great visit to sit and talk and hear stories about Dad that I've never heard. We had to leave the room at one point so Brian could address Dad's bed sore, which was still bad. He let us back in the room and left instructions for Nat and I to keep weight off his bottom to help the sore not get any worse. We went back in the room and talked some more about memories and Nat and I found out that Dad did an oil painting of Eva Gardner that we'd never known about. From what they said, it was very, very beautiful. Nat and I would really like to see it, but they don't know where it went to. They do remember the one he did of Christ that was hanging in the Fairview chapel so many years ago. They are going to see if they can track it down for us.
Nat and I checked on Dad and set off to do some more Christmas cards. Tami came about 1PM to check on Dad. He sounded good and she was surprised at how well he was doing. It's definitely been an up and down event with his health the last week. We thought we were in for possibly another week. His oxygen was low, but good. His urine output wasn't as concentrated as it was yesterday and he was in pretty good spirits. She said he was a fighter. He still hadn't had a bowel movement so they had to do an enema, to no avail. I was seriously getting nervous about this and what we could try next. It was a sign.
JC's wife called a short while later and invited Gavin and I to go with her and her son, Calvin, to the Aquarium in Sandy. I didn't feel up to it, but told her it would be good to get Gavin out of the house for awhile. Nat left to get something at a girlfriend's house and I jumped in the shower. When I got out, I laid down by Gavin on the couch and tried to take a little nap. It was between 3:30-4PM when Nat got home. My Mom was with her as she had arrived just as Nat was leaving, so she went with her to the friend's house. Nat presented my Mom and I with cute necklaces and matching bracelets that she had had made. Her girlfriend makes them and sales them as a business. It was touching, she is so thoughtful.
I was starving so Mom and I took off, with Zoe and Gavin in tow, to get a few groceries and some fast food. We got back about 4:45, ate our food and retired to the scrapbooking room to talk and work some more on Christmas cards.
At 6PM I gave Dad another dose of his Morphine and Haloperidol and I noticed that his breathing was labored again, it worried me. I went back to the scrapbooking room and at 7PM I checked Dad again. He was having even more trouble breathing and I didn't know what to do. I gave him another dose of Haloperidol, which is used to treat terminal restlessness, and felt guilty because I had just given him some an hour before. I asked Dad if he wanted to sit up and he told me yes. I had Nat come in and we sat him up more, but it seemed like nothing was helping. We decided that in order to sleep we needed to get an Ambien in him. He was able to take it no problem.
Randy showed up about 7:30PM and he visited with Dad. Up until the end he still insisted that he wasn't going to die and that he still had work to do out in the desert. I sat at my Dad's beside. I talked to him and kept asking him if he was okay. This whole week he always replied with, "I'm fine" as he did last night. He really fought letting go. I didn't know what to do so I asked him if I could hold his hand. He held out his hand and I grabbed it. For about 20 minutes I held his hand, while he struggled to breathe. It was repetitive and a little uncomfortable because of his Parkinson's. I can't imagine how it has felt for years having those tremors. His body was failing him and had been for years.
We had a little pow-wow outside Dad's room asking Randy to talk Dad into letting go. He needed to be at peace before he would. We all went back into Dad's room and the true end began around 8PM.
We gave him another dose of medicine at 8PM and he seemed to be really out of it. He seemed very druged and I suppose he was, but I think it also had to do with his shut-down process. We were with him during the next hour. Talking, sitting, (I was crying at times) and telling Dad it was okay to go. Dad trusted Randy and he wanted him to finish his "work". Nat and I sat in the corner while Randy talked to Dad about being at peace, whether he died or not. He told him that he needed to trust in the atonement and let Heavenly Father and Jesus make up the difference for his shortcomings.
I was upset because it seemed like we could do nothing to help Dad. I couldn't stand it anymore and I asked Nat to call Hospice to see what we could do for him,this was at 8:50PM. They told us to up the dosage to .50cc's every hour of Morphine and .50 of Haloperidol every 2 hours. Deep down at this point, I knew that he would die soon.
At 9PM we gave him 2 doses of Morphine, he seemed out of it still and was getting more agitated because of the breathing. I asked him if he needed another drink and he mumbled. I thought he said yes so I gave him a drink of juice. He drank several swallows, like he didn't know he was doing it. It didn't seem to go down and he was choking so we hurried and sat him up and it final cleared his airway. This was the only time he seemed to be scared of not breathing. He was waving his arms back and forth and I could tell he was scared. We sat him up even more at this point and just sat around him in the bed. He seemed hot and sweaty to the touch.
Randy asked Dad who else he wanted to see at this time. He said all of his kids. Three of us were in the room and Darrin had visited him on Saturday. Nat decided to check her email for a letter from Curt. She came back in with it and Randy read it to Dad. I think he was glad to hear it.
Nat King Cole had been playing in the background during this whole thing. Around 9:30PM Natalie jumped up and turned the volume way up. I wondered why she was ruining such a peaceful moment and then she said, "Dad, it's grandma's song" while Ramblin Rose filled the room. During the song, Dad took a huge breath and we felt he had gone. Randy left the room and Natalie and I watched for the next few minutes while Dad's body finished shutting down. He took his final breathe at 9:42PM GMT. We were with him until he was taken away an hour later.
This experience changed my life and how I view death. I am so thankful for my beliefs and for the sweet spirit that has filled my soul during this. I believe that I will see my Dad again. I am also thankful for the gospel and the atonement.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Day Seven

I've had almost a whole week with Dad now. It seems like it's been forever and it also seems like it's been an hour. My life has changed so much since last Monday. We hear everyone always talk about time...manage your time, save time, give time...and it always runs out eventually.
I'm trying to psych myself up for this ending. He will be in a better place, he will be happier, he will be made whole again and the burden for those around him will be lifted, but I am still deeply sad. I love him so dearly and selfishly I don't want him to leave me behind. I don't want anyone leaving me behind, that is probably why I feel the need to keep in contact with everyone I remotely knew in my past, which also isn't possible.
He slept in today until Brian came around 11AM. Brian gave him a bed bath and washed his hair. He hasn't had a bowel movement since last Tuesday so they took him to sit on the toilet for a bit to see if that would help, no go. We did get his bedding changed while he was up and it was nice to see him out of the bed. You'd never know that he could basically move himself about 3 weeks ago. He has a terrible, terrible bed sore on his bottom, Nat made me leave the room so I didn't cry. He can't feel it so we didn't know it was so bad so now we are moving him from side to side every 4-5 hours. His face is sunken in quite a bit and he sleeps a lot now.
Tami said that we should probably stop giving him the array of pills because it is getting hard for him to swallow. She also upd the dosage on his Morphine and Lorazepam to .25cc every 2 hours. It makes him so sleepy, but he is not struggling for breathe anymore. I feel so guilty for basically druging him, but he is comfortable and that is all that matters now. He is in and out and will talk every now and again. His oxygen levels are down and he has pnemonia with his right lung very full. She said that if this keeps up he should be gone in 3-5 days. He only ate once for dinner (mashed potatoes/gravy, a couple bites of salmon and graham crackers with milk).
I am scared and sad. I miss Karl, CJay and Conner and wish they were here. My Mom came again today and we worked on getting my genealogy started up again. Nat is a pro so I might as well take advantage of it while I'm here.
I need to get some Nat King Cole CD's when I get home. My Dad has been listening to them non-stop all day and they will remind me of him, plus they are awesome! I have the night shift tonight and I need to get up in an hour to give him medication so I'd better get to bed.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Day Six

Dad slept until after noon again today. Daniel came in early in the morning to do his maitanence work. Mom stayed over to be with me and do get some help with geneology from Nat. It was a pretty good night. I had all 3 dogs in bed with me...haha.
Nat went to church at 9AM and I stayed home to watch Dad. I could have gone to church with Karl's parents but wasn't prepared for it. I will have to go next week if I am still here. As much as I dislike having a set schedule, it sure stinks not to have one now. I kind of feel lost and I really miss Karl and the boys.
Dad didn't eat much again for lunch and I had to give him morphine at 3:15 for his congestion. He'd rather be asleep because he can't breathe very well. It makes me so sad.
I was invited to go to dinner at Karl's parents house at 4:45. Mom left at the same time and I let her take Zoe home for the night. Morley loves her and it was nice not to worry about her being at Nat's. I'm starting to feel like I am imposing even though she says I'm not.
I got to the Harrisons a little late after getting Zoe off and Gavin up from his nap. Nat let me take her car over, it is nice to drive. The Nuttalls, the Merrells, Tanya's brother, Kevin, his son and daughter were all there to eat dinner before Kevin got on a plane back to Washington state. The dinner was excellent, Tanya is a great cook! I ate a ton, I must have been hungry. When dinner was over Kevin left to catch a plane and his children left.
A short time later it was the Harrison family monthly FHE with Grandma and Grandpa Harrison and all 6 boys and their various family members. The place was packed and many of them expressed their love and concern for what I am going through. I really lucked out with joining such a wonderful family. I love them all SO much! We had a great lesson and brownies for a treat afterwards. I then asked Tanya to take a picture of Gavin and I with G & G Harrison. She has gotten a little dementia and I never know if I will get to see her again alive. I guess death is on my brain these days, go figure. One thing I've learned this week is that I will take opportunities now that I probably wouldn't before.
I asked Karl's Dad and brother to give me a blessing before leaving. It was so comforting and such a sweet experience to share with them. I feel like I just can't get enough blessings to help me through this. We left right after that. I felt anxious to get home to check on Dad. I don't want to miss anything with him.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Day Five

We all slept in a little this morning, including Dad. He's been sleeping a lot because of the Morphine, which is helping with the congestion. He didn't eat very much today and it's getting harder for him to take his pills. He finally admitted to me that it is hard for him to breathe. It breaks my heart because I don't want him to hurt. I talked with him again today about letting go and how I will get through it.
A Hospice CNA came today named Daniel. He was not my favorite. You can really tell by the way people handle or leave things how they cared for them. Dad was left laying in what looked like an uncomfortable position. His shirt was changed though and he is now wearing one of mine that says "Outer Banks".
I did some more short taping today. He told me he loved me and I told him as well. My Mom came down from Logan today and is spending the night at Nat's. It is the first time in a very long time that my parents and I have been under the same roof together. It is another small gift that means a lot to me. I mentioned to him that she was here and he asked to see her. She had told me earlier that she didn't want to see him this way, but she was kind enough to be a good sport and say hello. It was an undescribable moment and one I hope I never forget.
I went to Marie Callendars tonight to get my Dad food from his favorite restaurants. He asked for Salmon with mashed potatoes and gravy and potato salad. I brought it back and he wasn't very hungry, he only ate two bites of the Salmon and told me to put it in the fridge for tomorrow night.
This whole process is a waiting game. In some ways I don't want to know how much time we have left and at other times I do, just so I'm not surprised. I am learning a lot and I never knew there was an actual process. This will be the first death that is really close to me. I had an uncle die 7 years ago to the day. Even that was a hard loss for me and we weren't that close. I am quite afraid of death, that probably means it isn't my time. Dad still says he isn't ready to die and that he has work that still needs to be done here. Wow, it just breaks my heart! I am relying on Heavenly Father to get me through this. I will be a mess when the actual time comes. I will miss my Dad, even with all the crazy he is. I love him with all my heart and soul.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Day Four

I woke up in the middle of the night a couple of times to check on Dad. He was sitting straight up in bed and had fallen over both times to the side. We'd straighten him up and thankfully he was sleeping well. I was so scared from yesterday and Tami had told us that we could give him a shot of Morphine and Larazepam to clear up his lungs...but the symptoms would return. He woke up this morning late and he was breathing fine with no coughing. It was a huge relief to me.
We gave him his pills and breakfast, which he didn't eat a lot of. Then left him to rest some more.
I went up to take a shower in Nat's amazing steam shower...it was awesome! We then gave Gavin a bath in Nat's jet tub, which he is totally scared of and probably won't get in again.
My childhood best friend, Traci Boulter came over to visit with her little girl, Allison. It was so good to see her and talk for a bit. Gavin had a great time playing with her. While she was here Tami dropped in, then the phychologist Alan and Brian stopped by as Traci was leaving. We even had a visit from the Hospice chaplin. He was really nice and turned out to be Mormon, not a surprise here.
Dad's congestion got bad again towards the end of the day. I wonder if the good times are a little gift and if the tough times are preparing me for the end. It is so rough and I am still very emotional.
Dad slept a lot of the day and his eating slowed down quite a bit. We gave him some dinner around 7:30 and his handful of pills by 8PM. He went to sleep shortly after and his breathing is still labored. I've been trying to tell him to let go and that it will be okay. We talked some about the things he wants me to have. It was nice to just sit and talk. I am savoring every minute with him.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Day Three

We all slept well last night. We stayed up late and kept Dad up late too. He seems really tired today, I don't know if that is from the Ambien or not. Nat fixed and fed him breakfast. I worked on the family finances for a few hours while the cleaning ladies were here. I just love modern technology! Karl set us up to be able to get into our home computers remotely. He is SO smart and I love it!
Brian came again today and gave him a sponge bath. Dad is so thin. He is mostly skin and bones and his feet have lost the pink color because of his paralysis. We've also noticed that almost overnight he has gotten a really bad cough with a lot of phlem. He is very weak. When he is laying all the way down he has a hard time breathing. I don't think I will let him lay down anymore all the way. It's like he is a different person than he was yesterday, so crazy. Yesterday I had hope, today it is quickly vanishing. Tami said that this is all part of the process.
He has great oxygen levels, but his blood pressure is low. We think he is getting or already has pneumonia and I can't believe it's come on so quickly. Tami said it is a blessing if he gets it and ultimately dies from it. The cancer that he has, I've heard, is one of the most painful to have and right now it probably isn't bothering him, also because of his paralysis. It will in the near future though.
I've decided to stay in his room for the most part from now on. I took some pictures yesterday and today I am doing a little video taping. It might seem morbid, but I am clinging to anything and everything I have left.
It didn't take long for Dad to pretty much kick me out of his room. The fluid in his lungs is so bad now that he has to be practically sitting upright to breathe okay. His breath is labored and I finally lost it. I told him that it was okay to go if he wanted to. He told me that he doesn't want to leave me. I was bawling, laying by his side and he kept telling me not to cry as he too was crying. He finally told me to, "Take Gavin and go to bed, please!" I couldn't help the crying, this is the most horrible thing I've ever been through. He is even harder to understand now because of the rattling of his lungs. Nat said they will eventually fill up and he will essentially drown to death. It just sounds horrible. I am so tired, but I am afraid to go to sleep for fear he will slip away by himself, alone.
Boy this is depressing reading...sorry!

Day Two

I can't believe I've been here for 2 days already. Taking care of Dad's needs is a full time job. The hospice assistant came. His name is Brian Maddox, is very nice and I found out that we have a connection...small world. He is the son of one of my favorite teachers at West Lake, Mr. Maddox. He takes care of the stuff we can't, showers/baths, changing his catheter and moving him if needed. He really cares for his patients and that means a lot to me. The RN Tami is totally nice too and I can tell she really cares for Dad too.
Have I mentioned how wonderful it is to be at Nat's house. I stopped by the nursing home he was at for a few weeks and it was very depressing. They are always short staffed and they probably can't help the fact that they give lack-luster care to their patients. I had to pick up a bag of his medicines, he is on like 10, and they didn't even ID me or ask who I was. They just handed them over, good thing I'm an honest person.
We washed his face today with a wash cloth. He tends to get really greasy so I also cleaned out his ears. Even in his dying days he has beautiful long white hair...a full head. I will probably take a lock of it when he's gone.
He ate and drank like a champion today. Everyone keeps saying that this was his best day in weeks. Nat kept joking that it was because I was here. I am so glad that I made it here and have gotten to spend some time with him.
Randy and his wife stopped by tonight to discuss medication and we talked about all kinds of stuff. It's the first time I've met his wife and they have been married for over 2 years. He brought the few physical belonging that Dad has to his name. The most precious to me is a portrait he painted of David O. Mckay. Dad wants me to have almost everything he has left, including grandma Jacobs' wedding ring. It means a lot to me because Dad has been wearing it for years. I am kind of sentimental about those things.
We gave Dad his pills tonight and remembered his Ambien this time. I hope he sleeps better tonight. We've been trying to roll him on his side a couple times a day to help prevent bed sores. I've been told he has one from them sliding him up and down in bed at the nursing home instead of lifting him up. Right now he says he isn't in any pain and isn't on any medication for pain. He is very easy and doesn't complain or ask for much of anything. The RN says he is a sweet heart, I seem to think the same thing.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Day One

I arrived in Salt Lake yesterday around 10:30AM MST. My mom and step-dad picked us up from the airport and I was tired. I had been up since 5AM EST and had 4 carry-on items plus the dog and Gavin. It was rough and I was nervous about finally getting here. My sister, Natalie, had told me to prepare myself to see my Dad because he has gone down hill quite a bit in the last 3 weeks.

After stopping in at my childhood home in West Valley, (it always seems strange going back there now that I'm an adult) my Mom drove me to Nat's house where they dropped my Dad off a few hours earlier. It is always nice to go to my sister's house. She is so nice and always treats you like you are staying in a 5 star hotel.

I was very shocked to see my Dad. I haven't seen him in 2 1/2 years and he is very thin and fraile. They said he looked better today than he has in weeks, it was hard to imagine. For those who don't know...this is what my brother Randy has posted on my Dad's condition:

My father, John Jacobs, was diagnosed 12/1/10 as having cancer in his spine. He currently is paralyzed from the navel down. The doctors say he will probably die just before, or just after the holidays. (He could live longer, but the odds are against it.) The expected progression of the disease is that the cancer will continue to spread, cause paralysis of organs, which will ultimately cause his body to fail.

He is in good spirits and lucid. Gratefully, he is ready to graduate from this life, and see all his family members that have preceded and await him. He feels God's peace and grace, and is content.

In late October, he had a urinary tract infection. He did not regain his strength, as he had after previous infections. After a brief period in early November during which he was too weak to stand without assistance, he was able to walk with assistance through 11/24/10. Loss of feeling in and motor control of his legs began on 11/27/10, which led to hospitalization, and discovery of the cancer.

Today I was able to feed my Dad, help him take his medications, wipe his eyes, help him to sit up, rub his arms and give his legs a rub down to help with circulation. (The RN said that it might be more for my comfort than for his.) I've cried a few times and so has my sister and my Dad. He has told me that he loves me and is so glad that I am here with him. There is so many emotions going through me right now and I feel like I am in the place I need to be.

The Last Days

I've decided to blog about my time in Salt Lake with my Dad. It is great therapy and I want to remember every detail of it. I will start tomorrow, because I've almost been up for 24 hours and I am REALLY tired!