My memory is failing me!

So, I have a new empathy for an experience my parents went through when I was little. Here's the background story...

When I was in kindergarten, my mother worked full time at Zions Bank. After school I would walk to the babysitters house. (I think of that now and it baffles me that people let their kids do that kind of stuff back then) One day, I decided that I didn't want to go to the sitters, I wanted to see my mom. I have 3 older brothers and I had been on the back roads to my mom's work several times before. To give you a picture of the distance, I walked from the 4000 W block in West Valley to the 2700 W block by the Valley Fair Mall. (roughly 2 miles) The branch my mom worked at was located around several businesses and strip malls. I was walking through the parking lot, almost to my mom's work when I saw her driving away at a fast speed. I started bawling while I was standing in the parking lot. Luckily a member of our ward owned a boot store in the area and was the one to find me. He recognized me. He took me over to the bank and we waited for my mom to get to the sitters to call her. (Can you imagine being without a cell phone, especially when an emergency arises??)
Needless to say I'm surprised my parents made it through that day. I'm sure my mom was sick with worry. I learned latter that the sitter called her to tell her I hadn't gotten to their house. That's why she took off in the car.
Yesterday, I had my own scare with CJay. I've been sitting for a friend of ours and we were just finishing his snack time. I looked at the clock and it was 4:30PM. CJay is always home around 4PM, so I looked outside to see if he was playing with Conner and the neighbor kids. Nope. I called a friend who has a boy the same age and who goes to school with CJay. Her son was home and she offered to help. She drove the distance between the school and our house while I called the school. The bus was parked and he wasn't at the school. I started to panic. I think at that point all thought processes and reasoning goes right out the window. You could have told me I'd won a million dollars and I wouldn't have cared. I called Conner over so we could pile in the car to start looking...where...who knows. I said to my friend, "I don't think he would go to a friends without telling me." Conner says, "Yes he would, he's at the Cooper's house." It dawned on me at that moment that he had asked to go to their house to jump on the tramp. How could I have forgotten? I'd left Gavin in the car Saturday and he is still saying, "You locked me in." Where is my mind these days?

The Loss

Boy, it's been a REALLY long time since I've written. I was pretty good at reading and commenting on others' posts too. I'm sorry, and I will try to do better.
I just had to write, and I apologize in advance because this isn't a happy post and it's extremely personal...

We lost a baby last month. It was a day before I was "12 weeks" and we found out the embryo stopped growing a day before "9 weeks". I felt horrified and the worst part is that I carried this baby for 3 weeks thinking all was okay. We'd started telling a few people because we were so excited and just couldn't stand keeping the secret any longer.

I've wanted to have another child since before Gavin was a year old. It is difficult for me to get pregnant and for the past 9 1/2 years it's been on my mind almost daily...except when I am actually pregnant. I feel SO blessed that I have the 3 children that I do and sometimes I feel really selfish when I hear of other people's experiences that are more difficult than mine. It's a sad business and there are a lot of winners and many losses. I had taken for granted my wins. I never imagined I could lose. Most of my energy was spent on the "getting pregnant" and then I thought I was home free.

It's only been 2 weeks since the D&C and I feel at times like I am adjusting fairly well...then it hits me like a brick and I get sad. I miss our baby, I miss being pregnant and anticipating the new arrival. I dislike seeing Karl upset and confused about what to do next...he is rarely like that. I dislike feeling sad or angry when I see pregnant women or women with new babies. We are now members of a group no-one ever wants to be in, but so commonly are. I wonder why anyone ever has to go through this. I now feel their pain and mine.

I am so thankful that I was able to listen to conference last weekend. Some of the talks it seemed were speaking straight to us. I've learned that I need to look for the good in my trials and not just unhappily endure them. Such a hard concept! I know it will make me grow and help me to become stronger, but boy is it tough. I just hope that I can help others through this in the future. So many wonderful ladies have reached out to me and it has touched my life. I have resolved to pray more often and become closer to the Lord. I know that I will be okay and I'd like to think that I'll be able to raise that little spirit someday.

Until then, I love and miss you.