Boy, it's been a REALLY long time since I've written. I was pretty good at reading and commenting on others' posts too. I'm sorry, and I will try to do better.
I just had to write, and I apologize in advance because this isn't a happy post and it's extremely personal...
We lost a baby last month. It was a day before I was "12 weeks" and we found out the embryo stopped growing a day before "9 weeks". I felt horrified and the worst part is that I carried this baby for 3 weeks thinking all was okay. We'd started telling a few people because we were so excited and just couldn't stand keeping the secret any longer.
I've wanted to have another child since before Gavin was a year old. It is difficult for me to get pregnant and for the past 9 1/2 years it's been on my mind almost daily...except when I am actually pregnant. I feel SO blessed that I have the 3 children that I do and sometimes I feel really selfish when I hear of other people's experiences that are more difficult than mine. It's a sad business and there are a lot of winners and many losses. I had taken for granted my wins. I never imagined I could lose. Most of my energy was spent on the "getting pregnant" and then I thought I was home free.
It's only been 2 weeks since the D&C and I feel at times like I am adjusting fairly well...then it hits me like a brick and I get sad. I miss our baby, I miss being pregnant and anticipating the new arrival. I dislike seeing Karl upset and confused about what to do next...he is rarely like that. I dislike feeling sad or angry when I see pregnant women or women with new babies. We are now members of a group no-one ever wants to be in, but so commonly are. I wonder why anyone ever has to go through this. I now feel their pain and mine.
I am so thankful that I was able to listen to conference last weekend. Some of the talks it seemed were speaking straight to us. I've learned that I need to look for the good in my trials and not just unhappily endure them. Such a hard concept! I know it will make me grow and help me to become stronger, but boy is it tough. I just hope that I can help others through this in the future. So many wonderful ladies have reached out to me and it has touched my life. I have resolved to pray more often and become closer to the Lord. I know that I will be okay and I'd like to think that I'll be able to raise that little spirit someday.
Until then, I love and miss you.
9 comments:
We love you guys! Hang in there...
Nicole
You are in my prayers, and as hollow as it might seem when something like this happens, I know the Lord in His wisdom gives us trials. I love you guys and hope you know that you are a strength and example to me. In difficult times D&C 122 has always helped me feel better.
Matt
Conni, my heart goes out to you. I admire your honesty and your faith through this horrible experience. You and Karl are wonderful parents and great people. My prayers are with you!
I'm so sorry for your loss - I can't imagine how hard it must be for you both. Please know that I am thinking about you.
I'm so sorry. I am always so amazed that with millions of people watching conference, Heavenly Father loves me and knows me enough to inspire the speakers to say exactly what I need to hear. I will pray that you will continue to be comforted through this hard, hard time. We love you and think of you often.
Connie, you and Karl are great parents. We just have to view this as a very hard trial. I know you and Karl and the kids will come through this with greater faith. We love you. Dad
conni-
i miss you.
you and karl are great parents and have great kids.
i love you!
Thanks everyone, you mean the world to us and we love you!
I'm so sorry Conni, I had no idea you were going through this! Lots of hugs. Please let me know if there's anything I can do.
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